It seems that some people are convinced that BJU marriages frequently fall apart. Depending on whose statistics you want to believe and how you want to spin them, anywhere from 10% to 50% of all marriages end in divorce.

Regardless, the greenhouse effect of BJU can be rather difficult to deal with. Don't assume that everyone is what they say; date with your eyes wide open and think with your brain, not your hormones.

I received the following letter and, with the author's permission, am posting it here with my commentary afterwards and some tips for those who are dating "seriously." For the purposes of this topic, dating seriously is defined as "looking toward marriage as a realistic possibility!"

Bold text in this message is my added emphasis, square brackets indicate non-essential edits for brevity or clarity. Parenthetical items are material from the original email, not added.

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Return-Path: <withheld>
Date: Wed, 28 Jan 1998 14:58:06 -0500
From: Jane Doe
To: Troy Thompson
Subject: Bob Jones....

You might want to warn people, especially women, that just because they meet a "good Christian man" at BJ that it doesn't always guarantee you're get[ting] what you think you're getting.

I married a BJ man...and he was a terror! I was physically abused after our marriage on the basis of the "submissive wife" passage in Ephesians [5:22 and following - TDT]. I did NOTHING to deserve bruises and the other types of treatment I received at his hands. As it turned, out his whole family abused [their] wives on the basis of that same passage. [emphasis mine - TDT]

I never got to see how his actions would be outside the "sterile" BJ dating experience before we were married. The words spoken in the Dating Parlor were not what was practiced by him and the men in his family! If I'd have gotten to know him under normal (outside of BJ) circumstances I probably wouldn't have married him! [emphasis mine - TDT]

Just because a man or woman calls themselves "Christian" doesn't always mean they are, and going to BJ isn't proof of Godliness either! [emphasis mine - TDT]

I've been divorced from my BJ husband now for 10 years and I'm still terrified of the man. I've made some pretty extreme efforts to keep him out of my life. I wouldn't wish the torment I've been through with him on anyone.

I'm sure I'm probably the "exception" to the normal pattern one finds with BJ couples, but I'm living proof it does happen. It's taken me many years to heal from the damage that he inflicted on me. Please put a warning in your Website somewhere that pretty talk in the DP isn't all you need to see in your future marriage partner. Be sure your future mate's actions back up the words that are spoken while on campus. I wish someone would have warned me. [emphasis mine - TDT]

Thank you for your time and attention.

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Needless to say, this saddened me deeply. While BJU certainly doesn't endorse this cruel interpretation of the "submissive wife" passage in Ephesians 5:22-33, it's entirely possible that someone would be able to go through 4 years anywhere and hide their true self. If Jane Doe's husband would have revealed his sordid beliefs while a student, he would have most likely been disciplined or asked to leave the school.

Without a doubt, the Bible does say that wives are to submit to their husbands. And, husbands are commanded to love their wives. Love isn't abusive.

With that said, I'll move on to the BJU part of this issue--getting beyond the pretty talk in the Student Center and finding out what's really inside...

The "Dip" vs. "Depth"

The BJU Student Center Social Parlor (also called the Dating Parlor, the D.P., or the Dip--see the Lingo List) provides a way to learn more about other people in a very short time. Since physical aspects of the typical "romantic relationship" cannot be explored (much) in the D.P., you've no choice but to communicate verbally. This keeps hormones from making decisions for you. Whoa, communication! What a concept!

But here's the catch. It's quite possible to say one thing and be something else entirely. Some people are very good at this. It's true anywhere--not just on college campuses, and certainly not just in fundamental Christianity.

One drawback to dating exclusively in the "greenhouse effect" of BJU is that you rarely see your significant other in a real-world situation. It's fine for casual acquaintances and such. But once you've been dating a while and thoughts are turning toward marriage, you'll need to do some serious soul-searching: How do they handle the stresses of every day life? How do they act around their parents, their circle of close friends, or authority figures?

I would encourage anyone who dates "seriously" at BJU to try to expand the social horizons beyond the D.P., Snack Shop, or ball games. Here are some suggestions for those approaching the commitment stage.

Deeper Dating Experiences,
or
Getting Beyond the Façade

Society dating outings

The literary societies (imagine fundamentalist fraternities and sororities) each host a members-only stag outing and a by-invite-only dating outing each year. With about 50 societies, that's 100 outings a year. Usually to off-campus locations, society dating outings range from the mundane (picnic in the park and volleyball) to formal (black-tie events with full meals).

Incidentally, it is possible to date "casually" to these outings. Your fellow students may tend to think you're getting serious when you date on an outing. A friend of mine joked about this in a hypothetical conversation:

Your pal, to you and your date: "So, how long have you two been dating?"

You and your date look at each other for a second, then you glance at your watch and reply, "Oh, goodness, must be a full, what, 2 hours or so now?"

Anyhow, it's a chance to see what your date is like around their BJU peers.

Couples-only outings

Hosted by the school's Student Activities department, these are open to any student couple. One particularly memorable outing for me was a midnight-to-2AM roller skating outing. I promised Jessica 3 months in advance that I would go, warning her that as the time approached for the outing I might try to make excuses not to go. You see--I'd never roller skated before in my life.

I guess I didn't embarrass her too much--she married me, after all. But that was certainly a situation in which I was going to have to be my real self. There are scant opportunities for showmanship when you're trying to keep from falling on your rear-end in front of your beloved bride-to-be.

These outings could be done "casually" and aren't reserved only for the truly committed. It's a great opportunity to see what it's like to be in a potentially "new" situation.

Off-campus dates with parents (either set of parents)

This is another great alternative, though perhaps not as frequently available. You don't have to get lavish: go to Pizza Hut or Stax's Omega, miniature golfing, bowling, something, but get off campus and see your date around their parents. Jessica and I went to Pizza Hut with my parents, then walked downtown through an antique shop and such. She was nervous (OK, terrified!), but everything went fine.

Cuts to visit home

Visiting your significant other's home is probably the best thing for a future relationship. It's revealing, thought-provoking, and absolutely vital. After all--if you marry, you're marrying into the family. You had better know what sort of family you'll be marrying into. You're choosing not just a mate, but grandparents of your children.

When visiting your date's family, expect to gain valuable insight...

• Gals: How does he treat his mother? He may treat you that way when you are his mother's age.
• Guys: How does she treat her father? It'll reveal lots about her feelings toward authority.
• Either: What type of church do they attend? What sort of recreational activities does the family enjoy?
• What's the family sense of humor like? My family loves the Animaniacs. Jessica's family is more into Jim Carey.
• What sort of standards does the family uphold?
• What sort of friends does your date have back home?
• What sort of relationship do your date's parents have?

Frequent prayer and Bible study together

Instead of ping-pong, foosball, or just gazing cow-eyed at each other in the D.P., use the time to delve into spiritual matters. Now guys, try not to preach or become Mr. Fix-it--the goal is to discuss current issues that the two of you might even differ on--and discuss these in a rational way.

We're not performing an exegesis of Calvinism or a full harmony of the Gospels in the original Greek. Get down to where the Bible touches our lives today. This will reveal what the guy thinks of being a spiritual leader. Do this a few times a week--maybe every night for a half-hour or so, if scholastic responsibilities permit.

Here are some ideas: note that some of these touch BJU rules--don't attack the school position, but rather determine what your own position based on Biblical principles.

Keep in mind that these are pretty deep topics: most likely not suitable for a first date! Use some common sense.

• Dating standards in general: physical contact, where to go, where not to go, how to avoid temptation. Note: I recommend that this should be one of your first "serious" conversations. And it's red alert time if either one of you hasn't set any standards of your own yet. Don't let the situation decide them for you. Make up your mind in advance.
• Attending movies: While movie theatres are taboo in the Midwest and South for many conservative fundamentalist denominations, many Christians on the U.S. East coast wonder what the big deal is. You'd be amazed at the various reasons on both sides of this hot button topic.
• Your personal salvation experiences: how did we come to know Christ, and what was it like to grow up in our respective families?
• Read and discuss study guides and issue-focussed books such as Formula for Family Unity by Walter Fremont, Before the Ring (author unavailable), and Creating a Successful Christian Marriage by Cleveland McDonald.
• Basic child-rearing concepts: are allowances a good thing? Would you home-school if a Christian school wasn't available?
• Music preferences and convictions: What are your thoughts on various genres? Are any of them taboo--if so, why?
• Current events: read through a newspaper, or watch the CNN news digest that is broadcast in the Snack Shop. Go talk about it.
• Foreign travel: have either of you been out of the USA? If so, where? What was it like?
• Missions work or the pastorate: If you were ever called to the mission field or to the pulpit, would you go? Which country might you hope to be called to and why?

Got any other ideas?

A Final Word, and a Happy Ending

The world in which we live is inhabited exclusively by sinners. Some of them are forgiven. Some of the forgiven are trying to live Godly lives, and some of the others put up a front so you won't know the truth.

If you're planning on spending the rest of your life with another sinner, you had better get to know that person on a spiritual level--this is far more important than any other aspect of a relationship.

It's possible for Christians to marry and end up in a problematic marriage, including abuse or divorce. It has happened, as one of my correspondents has cited here. And no one who gets into a bad marriage intends to or believes they will.

Don't assume any BJU grad--or anyone for that matter--is just fine based on what they say. See how they live, how they respond to God's leading, and if they show evidence of the fruit of a committed life. Someone once said that "nearly half of BJU marriages fail!" I guess I'm supposed to be impressed with that fact. Considering that a 50% divorce rate is the norm across the country, one could surmise that being a BJU grad--with all the influences and advantages that may provide--doesn't exclude one from the "norm" of statistics.

I recently received 2 other e-mails from the Jane Doe who wrote the letter above: