Oh Lord, Won't You Buy Me A Mercedes Benz:

A federal judge has sentenced Rev. John Henry Walker of Charlotte, NC to 5+ years for grand theft, tax evasion, and lying to federal authorities.

Walker stole over $277,000 from Macedonia Baptist Church and failed to report $750,000 to the IRS over several years. He also obtained fraudulent bank loans to finance a Mercedes, a Lexus, and a palatial home. Said the reverend at his sentencing: "I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes."

Prosecutors called Walker "an unrepentant thief who used bullying and charisma to steal." Now brethren and sistren, let's all stand as Sister Janis lead us in song...

A family is suing Gateway Baptist Church of Loveland, CO for failure to protect their 10 year old son from an accused child molester.

The lawsuit alleges that the church and its pastors were "aware that there had been multiple prior sexual acts" by Paul Lavertu, 23, a mentally impaired member of the church. Five children have reported being fondled by Lavertu. Police have charged three unspecified "church leaders" with failing to report suspected abuse.

In a surprise move, Catholic Church officials have come out strongly in defense of Jesus against the withering assault of flippant remarks.

At the Emmy awards, Kathy Griffin accepted her trophy thusly: "A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. Suck it, Jesus. This award is my god now." A Catholic watchdog group retorted that they did not approve. Film at 11:00.

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